Thursday, July 2, 2009

Only A Politician Would Think of Impersonating a Politician

HARBESON: Columnist says power often intoxicates

Ever since a police sergeant used the phrase “drunker than snot” to describe Dennie Oxley Jr., I’ve felt sick.

Reading this so soon after the story about local attorney Larry Wilder sleeping in the garbage can has convinced me: I need to start taking Dramamine before I open the newspaper.

If you haven’t heard about Oxley’s adventure, he was drunk in a parking lot and when police showed up, he apparently tried to take advantage of the immunity clause in the Indiana Constitution.

The immunity clause exists to protect legislators during session time from being victims of false arrest for political reasons. Oxley has a problem though — he’s not a legislator anymore.

He did work as a consultant for Pat Bauer, speaker of the Indiana House during the regular session though, so I guess he thought that was close enough to count, like playing horseshoes.

I’m not sure we’re hearing the whole story here though. If someone is indeed drunker than snot, how could he clearly pronounce the word “immunity?” I can barely say it when I’m sober.

So, surely he was set up. He probably said, “I claim anonymity,” pleading for some discretion. Or maybe they asked him if he had been drinking and in a fit of drunken honesty, he said “I claim immensely.” We just don’t know.

This means, of course, that there’s only one thing to do: Call a press conference to blame the police.

Certainly, Oxley would know all those vocabulary words since he’s been an assistant school superintendent. In addition, it’s possible that his recent consulting work for Bauer could have included advice to use the word “devastate” every time Democrats talk to the press about inadequate budget numbers for education.

Too bad that young lady he was with wasn’t just a few months younger. If she was, he could claim he was working under cover for the Indiana Alcohol and Tobacco Commission, since they are currently taking 20 year olds to establishments serving alcohol to see if they sell to “underage adults.”

I know that term sounds odd, but remember, according to our wise legislators, even though a kid becomes a legal adult at 18, we have laws expecting them to sit in limbo for three years before buying a drink. The method we use to pretend this actually happens is to spend tax money trying to catch business owners who serve them.

Oh, I know it’s important to crack down on the 20 year olds. If legislators allowed them into the bars, they would increase demand, lower supply and create a scarcity of resources.

Or, to put it in terms your average politician would understand, if we let those darn kids in, one of them is going to be sitting on a government official’s favorite barstool.

OK, I’ll stop rambling on like a drunken politician and get to the point. Should anyone involved with telling other people what to do through government force be drinking at all while in session? Shouldn’t we make session time relatively uncomfortable?

Maybe we could sequester them and feed them bread and water so they get the job done. And if they still end up in a special session, then we’d get really tough and feed them government school cafeteria food.

Republican or Democratic, we’ve seen plenty of evidence the past few weeks that our government is loaded — filled with politicians who love to take a nip and can’t seem to resist their groupies. I sure wish all these people would just learn how to play the guitar and go join a rock band. I think we’d all be much happier.

Sellersburg resident Debbie Harbeson is sick of thinking about the phrase “drunker than snot,” so she took an antihistamine and her thoughts completely dried up.