Saturday, March 5, 2011

While Indiana Democrats Staged a Walkout...

HARBESON: Not everyone’s happy at this hour

> SOUTHERN INDIANA — My husband and I staged a walkout last week. We left the state and traveled to a sunny warm beach.

While there, we had a very, very strange experience. We were out riding our bikes one evening searching for a place to enjoy a drink when we saw a colorful neon cocktail glass and a flashing arrow pointing to a place hopping with activity.

We decided to check it out. This was a huge joint. We entered an area called the rotunda, which was full of people sitting on beach towels, singing and holding up signs. It really looked like a fun place.

But I was soon confused when a muscular tanned guy sitting on the bar told me I couldn’t have a drink because it was happy hour. When I mentioned I didn’t see what was so happy about that, he laughed and said, “Didn’t you see the sign out front? This is “Legislative Theater” night. This is the night when the drinkers choose representatives who then assemble during happy hour and decide on one drink that will be available.”

“Only one? I hope it’s pina coladas.”

He said, “Oh my, no! Those are banned in here. It leads to coconut madness. At least that’s what the tequila lobbyists say.”

Our discussion was interrupted by yelling and booing coming from the balcony. The tanned fellow explained that they were from the mojito party and they were worried. They lost quite a few seats during the election to the other major group, the margarita party.

Apparently, during most happy hour assemblies, there are enough representatives from both parties to ensure a compromise so that the basic mix will be amended in a way that pleases the palates of most drinkers. But this time, the margarita party had the numbers to get pretty much what they wanted without listening to the mojito party. And what they wanted was the right to salt.

Our conversation was interrupted again when the mojito representatives picked up their beach towels and walked out of the bar. Tanned man said, “Wow they’re actually going across the boardwalk this time!”

I watched through the window as the group arranged their towels and began wiggling their rears into the sand. They looked like they were settling in for quite some time.

“This is going to annoy the margarita people because now they don’t have enough representatives here to meet the quorum rules,” said my tanned friend.

A hairy guy with mint leaves sticking out of his Speedo jumped up and yelled, “Yeah, quorum rules, man!”

The tanned fellow rolled his eyes.

I said, “Well he’s got a point. If the drink choice will be forced on everyone by a vote, then a quorum sounds like a good idea because it’ll help legitimize the end result.”

Speedo man yelled again, “Yeah, quorum rules!”

I then asked what the quorum requirement was for the initial representative vote. They both laughed. “What are you talking about? There’s no quorum for the general election!”

“Really? But then how can these people claim they are the legitimate representatives of all the drinkers?”

“Lady, how many pina coladas did you have before you came here? Look, if we did that, we could end up without any representation and that would be a disaster,” said tanned man.

Speedo dude added, “No one would get anything to drink!”

Then they said in unison, “People would die of thirst!”

At this point it was just getting too weird, so we got out of there. It’s so nice to be back home in Indiana — where everything makes so much more sense.

Sellersburg resident Debbie Harbeson wonders if there is such thing as coconut madness.

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