Friday, February 18, 2011

No Longer A Virgin

HARBESON: Get ready for a ROCKin’ good time

> SOUTHERN INDIANA — I think I might be developing an obsession with other people’s sex lives. I really never cared before, but since ROCK came to Clarksville, I can’t stop thinking about what other people might be doing.

And now, also because of Reclaim Our Culture Kentuckiana’s influence, for the first time, I purposely went to a website advertised as having mature content. Really. I was a mature content website virgin until ROCK enticed me with titillating advertisements.

I decided to go to the website I saw on their billboard and it took me to a warning page which, of course, only increased my curiosity. I had to enter my birth date to enter the site. I lied of course and said I was 35. They let me in.

That was so much fun, I exited and lied again and said I was 23. They let me in. Realizing I could pretty much do what I wanted, I lied again and claimed to be 19. All of this entering and exiting the website increased my anticipation.

The first thing I noticed was the site’s border, which looked like splatters of black paint. It reminded me of a Jackson Pollock painting. This made me picture Ed Harris, who played Pollock in a movie. I always thought Harris was one sexy dude.

As I started to fan my flushing face, an attractive lady sauntered out from the right side of my computer screen! It was awesome and with that technology I could only imagine what might happen next.

She introduced herself as MaryAnn Gramig, President of ROCK. I listened for a while. She seemed to be really worried about my protection. I tried to tell her I was prepared but she just kept talking, trying to convince me I was in danger. She was really selling fear, which disappointed me because I was looking for sex.

However, I perked up when she started to make her main point. She was stern, which I have to say was kind of sexy. She also made a fist and put her thumb over the top, continuing her lecture. I wasn’t sure why but this made me think about sex, too. Then I remembered it was a favorite gesture of President Clinton’s.

I was now very anxious to get to the photos I heard were on this site. So I muted the lady and scrolled down the page.

What I saw shocked me — and I’ve been married for 29 years. It was truly eye-opening. The photos were not even close to what I expected. Don’t read any further unless you are older than 18.

What I saw were some really bad photos of the current Clarksville town council. I mean it; these photos are not flattering. I don’t know where ROCK found them but my guess is that they had access to their driver’s licenses.

By now, I had lost all interest in having any fun on this site. As I read the comments next to each politician’s photos, I realized all ROCK wanted to do was tell me they are having difficulty working with government officials to get what they want.

I find it hard to care though. I’ve peacefully co-existed my entire life with Theatair X and ROCK knows others agree. This explains why they tied this latest project with the new enforcement of adult businesses in Louisville. ROCK wants us to fear that those businesses will move here.

But if true, this proves that ordinances don’t change anything at a root level. Such government actions only invade property rights. This is not only highly ineffective because we can see that these ordinances just move people around a bit; it also has the potential to backfire and be used against you one day.

ROCK, along with the vast majority of people, still clings to a superstitious faith in a secular man-made organization that uses the threat of violence to control other people.

But what else can they do? Well, more on that next week. Enjoy the anticipation.

— Sellersburg resident Debbie Harbeson hopes that if a photo of her ever surfaces on a mature content website, it at least shows her good side.

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